I dread waking up,
I dread seeing the bright dawn,
The chirping birds signaling sunrise and new opportunities,
I am scared to face the bright rays of the day,
When my mind is ever perpetual darkness,
Not even stilettos can be seen it in,
Not even a ray of sunshine can illuminate it,
I try, to look forward to the day’s beginning,
But I know it’s a moot point,
Dawn or dusk,
The war that rages inside my mind doesn’t have a timeline,
I don’t know when fresh chaos are going to erupt,
Morning and evening are the same,
Sundown signals the darkness inside and the darkness around coming together,
Sunrise signals the chaos inside with the chaos of my life,
A battlefield you ask, yes it exists in my mind,
The visions I had, the dreams I have,
The opportunities I missed, the opportunities I long for,
The mistakes I made, the pitfalls am going through,
The regrets I have, the longing I feel,
All collide in my mind,
Each battles a space to be let out,
For them, it is rational to do so,
To speak out and be heard,
To remind me of what is supposed to happen and what it should be,
The issue is they don’t do so in a rational mind,
They only increase the inner voices.
So, I clutch my head and feel like rattling the battlefield.
But there is more,
This war has so many participants,
I don’t know the loser nor the winner,
My past, present and future,
I try to let go of my past, heal from it
But how do I do so, when I see my past repeating itself?
The self-doubts, the self-blame, the plunging self-love,
The chaos they are forming in my mind,
Will I ever measure up?
Will I be good enough?
Will I rise through the turmoil?
I don’t know the answers,
But the parties in the war inside seem to know,
They have a history of backed up “facts”
I don’t know how applicable they are.
They show me what I think I have,
The strength I think I have to battle through life chaos,
They also show me how weak I am,
How stupid I will be,
If I battle through it,
They try to keep me in,
The “safe”, “comfortable” bubble,
Not going out or stepping up,
They tell me it will increase the life chaos,
But they are unaware of the chaos they are increasing.
I wish the war would be over,
I wish one side would win already,
So I can stop listening to them,
It’s gory and am tired of it,
I don’t know whether just a voyeur or a participant,
All am sure of is my mind is their battlefield,
I give each party the ammunition to continue this war,
Through my actions and my thoughts,
I empower one side,
And the war continues.
Sunrise, sundown, they are all the same to me.